This is a small blog, inspired by Julia Camerons' sequel to the Artists Way.
I am inviting you on a walk through the journey of writing my first novel. It may take years, it may be finished in a matter of weeks. I have no idea yet. And for the first time, this not knowing, instead of being terrifying and incapacitating, it is thrilling!
I have always loved stories. I am a filmmaker and a screenwriter. I've written poetry since I was little. When I was young, I also wrote short stories.
I loved fantasy best of all.
But something happened along the way. At one point I suddenly developed a 'critical eye'. I stopped getting lost in the joy of the world I was creating and I started evaluating and judging my work.
The first time I really remember this impacting me was when I wrote a short story with my best friend about unicorns. We worked on it with love and joy for hours. But when we showed it to the grown ups, I became acutely aware of how they were hearing the story and suddenly it seemed childish and inadequate.
The experience repeated itself another couple of times.
Once when I was first starting high school and my drama teacher made me read out a poem that was very special to me. I was only 11 when I wrote it, and it was about my beloved German Shepherd who was dying from a disease called Mylopothy. Well, I was heartbroken and I wrote a poem to express my sadness at losing my beautiful friend. The kids at school, when I performed it, laughed of course. As I suppose any teenager does when confronted by an uncomfortable emotional display. But I remember curling up and burning inside. I was so embarrassed. I hated my drama teacher for making me do it and I hated myself even more for having done so. Strike 2.
Then I wrote a beautiful fantasy story which I was determined to work on until it was perfect. I think I worked on it for over a year, continuing to edit it and bring it out. And still, at the other end, when I finally had to present it for marking in english, I knew that it was a poor representation for the deep emotional connection and real (to me) characters I was trying to express. Strike 3 and you're out.
That's when I decided - Nope. I'm not a writer. I can do poems. I can do plays. But I am definitely not cut out to be a prose writer. I am not going to wind up as an 'author' next to my favourite heroes like Anne McCaffrey - So I burried that little yearning and got on with my life.
It's funny that I managed to create such a strong distinction between the styles of writing. Because for me it was absolutely crystal clear that you could be one and not the other!
It wasn't until this year, when I had been working on an exciting project writing a screenplay with a fellow screenwriter, that I felt the urge to write again. I had really started to trust my ability to write as I moved through the process of draft after draft of this screenplay. And then I read the TWIGHLIGHT SERIES.
Interestingly enough, I hated the film the first time I saw it. I thought it was the worst example of teen-angst indulgent acting. It had such promise and I was so disappointed that I walked out of the cinema groaning and bagging everyone involved in it.
It wasn't until my best friend gave me the first book series to read on my honeymoon that I actually began to fall in love with the series. The first book wasn't brilliant, but by the end, it had really kicked up it's heels and driven to a fantastic finish. The world was sound. The characters interesting. The magic/vampires were full and rich and fun to be with. Book two was where the addiction really kicked in. I found in book one I could put it down for days but with book two, as soon as I started reading, that was it. I was reading flat out and finished it in two days. The rest of my life stopped. The third was even better and I read that in 14 hours. The last book, Breaking Dawn, I finished in 12 hours! (The books don't get shorter, they get longer, by the way!)
I was so thrilled to be reading such a fantastic, complex and interesting world. With so many beautiful characters to fall in love with! I didn't stop there - I looked up Stephanie's website. And that was when I cried.
I could hear myself in her story. I didn't know why or how. But that description of the dream and just being called to write a little more each day to the point where she was sneaking out of dinner parties to carve a little more time at the keyboard... that was my world. The fact that she never set out to "write a book" or a "best seller" was like a gong resounding in my stomach.
She wrote because she had to - it was an itch that wouldn't go away. And she was so courageous. Because she was willing to 'learn on the job'. She wasn't proclaiming that she was the world's best author, she just had a story to tell and that's what she committed to getting out on the page.
The next day I was waiting for my husband as he worked with a friend and I was sitting in the garden feeling peaceful... I remembered Julia Cameron's tool of the MORNING PAGES and I thought - "What the hell, I wanted to get back into those anyway. It's not morning, but I have half an hour up my sleeve." So I got out my notebook and began to write.
And that's when it happened, like liquid honey pouring out of my pen, a novel began to write itself down on page after page. The boys eventually came to find me as the light started to fade and I was glad of the interruption because by that stage I was being eaten alive by the mossies.
I had done it. I had started writing. I didn't know what. I didn't know how. But I was just doing it. I had "turned up at the page". I felt terrified and elated and strangely peaceful all at once.
Immediately my mind went into overdrive trying to analyse what I was writing, looking at the end game. How would I ever get it published? Who would want to read my stupid little story? I even tried to read out pages to my husband in the car on the way home.
(Thank god he is the most generous loving guy ever, because that, if you've read the Artist's Way, is a classic form of self-sabbotage - exposing your baby work to the critics before it's ready - a clear fire way to destroy your creation before you even get out the gate... and a method many of us will use as a way to keep ourselves small and safe.)
And so, that is how I started writing a novel about fun, exciting things like Vampires and Shape-shifters. I don't know where it will go. I don't know if I'll ever finish it. But I've made a committment. Every day I'm going to turn up to the page - with whatever time I've got - to write a little more. If, one day, I type "THE END" then I'll have a look back and see where I've got to. But in the meantime, I intend to PLAY!!!
Love & Inspiration from your virgin author,
MS
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